What About the Kids?

Alcoholism is often described as a family disease. That’s one of the realities and fears that we, as loved-ones, live with. Can I keep his disease away from my children? Sometimes, but often it’s impossible as we can’t control the when and the where and the how of our alcoholic partner’s drinking.

Today as I read an article in Psychology Today about What it’s Like to Grow Up in an Alcoholic Family, I thought about how lucky I was that due to the nature of my former husband’s drinking, my children didn’t see his problem. His drinking occurred late in the day after the boys had gone to sleep or his consumption usually didn’t get to the point where they would have noticed his behavior as unusual.

At least that was my perception of it at the time.

As my husband left rehab and became sober, I insisted that he tell our family directly about his struggles, believing acknowledgement of his secret to be an essential part of his healing. The kids reacted with shock and confusion and, of course, concern. They were in college then and old enough to process what they felt. The moment was tough, emotional, but I remember feeling relief they had been spared.

I inquired again recently of their memories or awareness of drinking being an issue as I prepare for the release of my memoir, and again they said expressed feelings of shock and surprise that this had been underneath the rumble of everyday life.

Reading Dr. Mehta’s article brought back painful memories of my own silence, my own need to overcompensate and maintain control of our lives. Although marriage to a high-functioning alcoholic had numerous challenges related to helping him become aware of his disease, I couldn’t be more grateful that it allowed my children to escape the damage that could have been done.